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Urgent Health Warning – Euroscepticism

March 11, 2014 4:33 PM
By Nick Hopkinson in British Influence Campaigning for Leadership in Europe
Originally published by East Midlands Liberal Democrats

Doctors are warning about the outbreak of a spreading disease called Euroscepticism which surveys show affect 39% of the UK population.

EU FlagAlthough the symptoms are initially relatively innocuous, such as a proclivity to make regular false statements about Europe, there is growing concern about those seriously afflicted. Recently a speaker in a London conference claimed he did not have horns, became overly emotional, shouted about the loss of UK sovereignty, and started foaming at the mouth. In a recent press release, the British Medical Society added its weight noting "We are increasingly concerned about the growing incidence of the Eurosceptic disease, and its contagious potential". Elsewhere many fear its possible side effects such as the loss of jobs, foreign investment, UK political influence, and access to the Single Market and EU-wide health care and social benefits.

The growing incidence of Euroscepticism has led researchers to investigate the origins of the disease. The first major recorded incident was in the House of Commons in 1990 when the then Prime Minister appeared unable to extend her vocabulary beyond the word 'No'. However, some trace the onset of the diseaseto a speech in Bruges in 1988. Since then Euroscepticism has spread rapidly throughout the UK. It is prevalent amongst tabloid newspaper readers who readily believe misleading and untrue stories about Europe, those sentimental about an idealised British past which never existed, men who want the other half of the population to protect their virtue by cleaning under fridges, and men in pin-stripped suits who want to end gun control and like being filmed smoking cigarettes with a pint in pubs.

Medical professionals have repeatedly warned about the dangers of smoking and drinking, and the prognosis for the uncontrolled use of guns could prove immediately fatal. However, for many the unquestioning consumption of tabloid rubbish might be the final nail in the coffin. Fred Smith, Chairman of the British Undertakers Association, notes "Most of those afflicted by terminal Euroscepticism are over 60 - their current high states of unfounded emotion on top of pre-existing symptoms could mean we are temporarily unable to keep up with demand. We rely on a regular flow of business, but cannot cope with high levels of new business, especially at a time of widespread flooding. The problem is not gay, but grave."

Ophthalmologists have identified a particularly virulent strain of the Eurosceptic virus amongst 95 'swivel-eyed' Members of Parliament in Westminster. This strain presents particular medical challenges, which some experts believe can only be remedied by a painful surgical splitting procedure. They are however at odds with the Prime Minister who has argued a referendum on the UK's EU membership is the best cure. Independent observers though doubt an unlikely referendum can remedy this terminal strain.

Some fear those seriously afflicted by Euroscepticism might even start climbing to the tops of buildings in order to avoid the floods and in so doing drape themselves in the Union flag, potentially leading to a loss of balance and altitude. Mental health professionals are therefore urgently recommending the public to take a reality check, and spend 30 minutes a week exercising their eyes over facts, rather than fiction, about the European Union. Campaigners are also urging political leaders to start telling the truth about Europe.

So what more can be done to stop this dangerous disease from spreading? Those still unaffected in the private sector, unions and NGOs should design, fund and promote a national disease prevention strategy and information campaign. The Labour Party has yet to identify Euroscepticism as a major threat, citing its containment in the North. Many though fear major outbreaks, such as in Westminster, could yet contaminate the rest of country thereby preventing, at least English, citizens from realising a healthy and prosperous future.

Nick Hopkinson

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